Michael was only doing his job, CJ had told him to make sure she went to bed at a decent hour. "You are a true friend..." CJ declared, meaning every syllable of the 5 worded sentence. "Ha! That's a compliment," Michael smirked. "No it's not," CJ's manner became defensive,"it's the truth!"

     Funny. When he said it was a compliment I immedietly defended the reputation of Truth. Somehow, for me, calling a compliment the truth is tainting the image that Truth bears in my mind. Compliments are meant to be false, said with a fake smile and a patronizing heart. They are not serious nor truthful and if anyone regards them as such, he is a fool. Though I wonder if I am a fool to think this way. Am I a fool to have been taught this, to have believed this? How am I supposed to change this absurd way of thinking? Who is more foolish: the fool or the fool who follows him? I wonder what would happen, what change in the dynamics of the accusations it would make, if the follower had never known anything apart from what the fool had shown him. Ignorance is not an excuse, it never will be, but I can't help but wonder how differently I would look at life if I had not been ignorant, if I had not followed, if I saw the compliments the way they were meant to be...

I've been stupid. Again. As humans we always screw up, any revalation that come to our mind can be shot down and destroyed to the point where we no longer believe it. That has happened with me. i am concious again of how little i am compared to people. and there it is again, the comparing.

Always had a difficult time with this. I have tow older sisters. Both of which are very talented. T is the actress, the star, the leader, the person who always has everything under control. A is the musician, the quiet sweet one whom everyone loves, the faithful, the loyal, the hard worker, the artist. I have nothing to hold aginst these two for those reaons, they had talents that i do not posses and that is for some reason of the Master Designer. Here was my predicament... eveywheree i went, T and A had been there before me. Done the same thing, seen the same places, interacted with the same people... and when i came along all I ever heard was "Oh you're T's sister? How is she? She was such a good worker, i knew i could always count on her!" and they would expext me to be the same. Or it would be "Oh! You're A's sister?! She was the sweetest girl ever, nothing ever got her upset and i know i could always trust her to do things right!".

Well, that wasn't me! I'm not reliable, I don't have good work ethic, I'm not trustworthy, I'm not a hard worker. Everyone expected me to be what my sisters had been and for that reason i fell short.

Don't cmpare people to someone that came before, when you do it's for certain that they will never measure up. Then you are dissapointed and their hearts become crushed. Let go and let people make a name for themselves, not try to live up to someone elses'....

C

Ever thought about highlights? No no, I don't mean your hair... I mean, have you ever realized that the smallest happening can often be the highlight of your day? Such as today for me… this is what my day has consisted of:

1. waking up
2. sitting through Into to Algebra
3. studying
4. seeing Andrew
5. studying some more
6. seeing Stephen
7. studying
8. Gen pchy.
9. studying way too much

so seeing Andrew and Stephen normally wouldn’t be so exciting, but because of the content of my day (& the mood I was in), seeing them was almost euphoric for me. It set my day a little more on track and my mood a bit better. So thank you to Andrew and Stephen for lighening and brightening my otherwise dull day. Peace

dance dance revolution

most of you already saw this... but i'm gonna put it up here for Pete's sake... and don't ask me who Pete is anyways....

I used to be afraid, but now it's a pleasure to show what God gave to me. I am no longer ashamed because of what His grace did for me. All I can do comes from Him. Walking, talking, playing basketball, singing, acting, blinking, smiling, writing, breathing, and yes… even playing the piano.

So if all of my blessings come from God…

Why do I disrespect myself?
Why do I say that God’s creation can’t do something?
Why am I so insecure in my abilities?
It all falls back on one thing… words.

Even though our focus and self esteem should come from God alone, the words people say really have a huge effect on our lives. Hebrews 3:13 says, " But encourage one another daily as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sins deceitfulness."
I was hardened by sins deceitfulness. Because I never heard from those who were closest to me that I was beautiful, talented, etc… Satan’s thought and lies about me became my main view of myself. Suddenly I was a bother to people. I firmly believed that I couldn’t play the piano or act. I believed that it was a presupposed idea that I was fat and ugly and that everyone hated me. In my eyes, I couldn’t do anything right. I couldn’t act right, sing right, dress right, play right, pretend right, look right, or be right at all. Life was terrible then. Everything seemed to go wring.

Then an honest and sincere friend inadvertently pointed out the way I was thinking. I had to fall back in love again. What I once was passionate about had faded and had seemed to disappear.

I weeped that night. Sobbing I was broken. The tears kept coming as I rediscovered the wonder of my creator. It became harder and harder to breathe as I choked on my shame. How did I ever cut down a creation of the Lord most High? Christ loves me for me, not for what I might become, but for what I am now. He loves what I can do now, not for what I want to do or wish I could accomplish. I am a masterpiece of his and I should not be ashamed of the ablities he gave to me. If someone else can play better than I can, I have no reason to be intimidated because God gave that person more for a reason I do not know! If people want to think I’m good… let them! I will give the credit to the One who gave it to me in the first place! And if people think I;m horrible… let them for Peter’s crying out loud sake! They’re thinking that because they can’t see the beauty of Christ in what I play. I no longer play or act for myself but for God, the one who gave me the ability anyway! I walk with a new confidence, because I am beautiful…. Maybe not in the world’s eyes but for sure in the eyes of my lover & that is all that matters to me!

I am whole! I am full of joy! I am continually talking with Him. He is my love. He is my life. He is my everything and I submit myself to His will. He knows what is best for the two of us! I will ask him about everything, consult him on all things! Yes we will argue, yes we will disagree sometimes just like in all relationships… but ours will last. We will always be in love. He has given everything to me, I owe him my very life and breath… so I will live every second according to Hid will.

My lover’s will.
My Master’s will.
My Friend’s will.

Yesterday I got into another fight… more like an argument with a friend of mine. And like always it was about the same thing… physical appearance.

About a year ago, this friend of mine persuaded me to care about how I looked. And it devoured me. I was consumed with how I looked, what people thought about me, how I acted around others. I tried to be everything to everybody and it didn’t work out so well.

But with my new love of Christ I have learned not to look at the outward appearance, either my own or the ones of others. I began to look into the heart and mind and soul….. not the body.

I’m sick of always having to look a certain way, act a certain way, talk a certain way and ultimately live a certain way. The Bible calls us Christians aliens and peculiar people. This world is not our home. We should not conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of our minds. We shouldn’t think the way this world does. If we do then we are just supporting uniformity and as Jan Figa would say, “Stupidity comes through uniformity.” We become dulled by thinking the same way that everyone else does. We become worn down. We become tired.

But with Christ there is new life, a renewed way of thinking. Don’t be mistaken that I don’t care for other people. I do care. But it’s not going to be their clothes that impresses me. It’s not going to be the way they do their hair… it’s going to be their integrity, morals, and faith. As singer Kendall Payne so eloquently puts it, “what lasts longer in this life… character or rock hard thighs?” I realized that if I started caring again about my outward appearance, the same thing would happen. I would be overcome by the desire to be liked and approved of by worldly standards. I will say this though… it was only when I stopped thinking about my appearance that things started getting better for me.

I guess my challenge to you Christians is this: think about how you can perfect your relationship with Jesus Christ, instead of your complexion, because in the long run it’s your spirit that will last… not your body.

CJ Namenye